Meme: 15 Characters Part 2 - Missions Improbable

[graycardinal]

Starting with this round of the "15 characters" meme, I'm adopting astrogirl2's practice of presenting the answers in a separate post -- this way, the Dreamwidth and LiveJournal readerships get to see both sets of Qs and As.

First, this round's list:

#1 -- Alfred Pennyworth (Batman)
#2 -- Detective Elisa Maza (Gargoyles)
#3 -- Artemus Gordon (Wild Wild West [the original version, not the theatrical film])
#4 -- Mrs. Emily Pollifax (the "Mrs. Pollifax" novels by Dorothy Gilman)
#5 -- Dairine Callahan (the "Young Wizards" novels by Diane Duane)
#6 -- Jack O'Neill (Stargate SG-1)
#7 -- Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)
#8 -- Indiana Jones (you have to ask?)
#9 -- Q (Star Trek: TNG)
#10 -- Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
#11 -- Carmen Sandiego (Where On Earth Is Carmen Sandiego?)
#12 -- Martha Rodgers (Castle)
#13 -- Xander Harris (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
#14 -- Sarah Jane Smith (Doctor Who)
#15 -- Balthazar Blake (Sorcerer's Apprentice)

And now, we present Wacky Crossover Theater!

From astrogirl2 (LJ):
Artemus Gordon and Luna Lovegood are shackled together at the wrist. How crazy do they drive each other? Which of them is forced along on the other's errand/mission/quest? And does Q set them free or take them back to wherever they escaped from?

If you've ever seen the old Wild Wild West series, you know that Artemus Gordon is very nearly the textbook definition of "unflappable"; also, he has lots of experience dealing with deeply weird situations for extended periods.  That said, being joined at the wrist with Luna is probably one of the best tests his patience has ever had.  Luna, who has obviously been universe-bounced by some sort of magical accident (very possibly involving a defective Floo portal), is also pretty unflappable, and likely finds Artie's theatrical skills intriguing.  Probably the one being driven crazy is Jim West, who is liable to be annoyed that for once Artie has gotten the cute (if odd) girl, and that Artie seems to be in no hurry to pick the lock on the shackles.  Indeed, Artie is perfectly willing to escort Luna all the way back to England by ship, until Q happens along (having noticed the cosmic imbalance created when Luna was bounced) and sends Luna home to avoid potentially complicated historical paradoxes.


Alfred Pennyworth invites Emily Pollifax, Jack O'Neill, Carmen Sandiego and Xander Harris to his birthday party. What presents do they bring, and what kind of entertainment is there? Does everyone have a good time, or is someone crying in their cake by the end?

Technically speaking, Alfred didn't invite Carmen; he invited Selina (Catwoman) Kyle, who couldn't make it, passed on the invitation, and forgot to mention it to Alfred when she RSVPed.  At any rate:

The party is a quiet evening of conversation, chamber music, and comfortable refreshments at Stately Wayne Manor (Bruce is out for the night on his usual rounds).  Mrs. Pollifax brings a night-blooming cereus, which Alfred accepts with pleasure; he's known Emily for years, though it's never been quite clear whether it's through Carstairs at the CIA or one of Emily's martial arts instructors.  Jack O'Neill brings a zat gun (which Alfred is under strict instructions not to open till after the party), because he knows enough about Alfred's boss's night job to figure that Alfred can use all the small arms he can get.  (Jack and Alfred met through one of Bruce Wayne's martial arts instructors.)  Xander brings several jars of highly obscure African herbs and spices -- some for Alfred's kitchen, some for the apothecary shelf Alfred maintains for those occasions when calling a doctor would be...imprudent.

Carmen, who's disguised herself as Selina for the occasion, brings a black cat whose paws have been treated with a knockout drug...and a bevy of henchmen with the hardware to airlift Stately Wayne Manor right off its foundation, because it's what she does.  However, she has completely failed to anticipate Emily's karate skills, Jack's present, and the restorative properties of one of Xander's gifts, and so the rest of the party guests gift-wrap Carmen and send the package off to Gotham City Police HQ.  (Carmen escapes, of course, because that's also what she does.)  So it ends up being a more exciting party than Alfred had planned, but no less festive for the interruption.

From twilight2000 (LJ):
Elisa Maza, Indiana Jones, and Balthazar Blake find themselves in a bar - how'd they get there, what are they drinking and where are they going next?

Indy and Balthazar came in together; they'd been tracking a Dangerous Artifact (Balthazar knows it's magical; Indy keeps trying to convince himself it isn't), and are following the disreputable treasure hunter who knows where the next clue is.  Elisa has been time-zapped backward sixty-odd years -- these things happen when you hang out with living gargoyles -- has a separate clue suggesting that the Dangerous Artifact may be her ticket home in some fashion, overheard an equally suggestive conversation between Indy and Balthazar as they passed her on the street, and has been carefully following them since.  She's drinking coffee and scoping out both I&B and the treasure hunter.  Balthazar is drinking dark beer (and can keep doing so for probably a week without showing the effects); Indy is drinking scotch, neat (and can keep doing so for maybe another ten minutes at this rate before showing the effects).

It's pretty much a given that a bar fight will shortly ensue, that all three of Our Heroes will have joined forces by the end of it, and that they'll be clutching a crude map depicting parts of Darkest Connecticut as they're tossed out of the bar.

From snowynight (DW):
If Alfred discovers that Dairine Callahan is misleading Xander, how will he respond?

This one happens entirely over the 'Net.  Dairine, being a genius, has hacked the re-formed Watchers' Council's online message boards, and is pretending to be a 19-year-old Slayer rather than a 14-year-old wizard.  She has very nearly convinced Xander to send her a box of particularly interesting-in-the-Chinese-sense shuriken when Alfred (who obviously belongs to the Watchers' Council in his impossibly copious spare time) happens across the message exchange, backtracks Dairine's access, and figures out what's going on.  [It's amazing what you can accomplish with a state-of-the-art Batcomputer when no one else is using it....]

We're not going to ask how it happens that Alfred also knows the signature of an online wizards' manual when he sees it (save to stipulate that Alfred is not, himself, a wizard).  However, Alfred being Alfred, he does not simply block Dairine's access.  Indeed, he allows the transaction to go through...

...only he arranges for the shipment of shuriken to be delivered to Tom Swale and Carl Romeo, Dairine's neighbors and supervising Senior Wizards.  To whom she will now have to explain why she wanted them in the first place....

From malkingrey (DW):
Elisa and Indy are undercover at a sporting event; Artemus is there as a fan. What team is 3 cheering for, and does he/she notice what 2 and 8 are doing?

For simplicity's sake, we'll assume that this is part of the same adventure discussed above, thereby saving the need to come up with a second, separate explanation for Elisa's time-traveling.  We will also assume that Balthazar Blake is following a separate lead en route to the aforementioned Dangerous Artifact, and is therefore offstage at present.

Now this being the 1930s or so in Darkest Connecticut, the sporting event in question is a golf tournament at which Indy is masquerading as a caddy (badly), while Elisa is selling lemonade (and grumbling -- quietly -- about it).  By this time Artie is way up in senior-citizen territory but still spry, and the peaceful atmosphere of the golf course is relaxing after his lifetime of adventure.  But being Artie, he still Notices Things, and very quickly realizes that (a) Indy is the worst caddy he's ever seen by several orders of magnitude, (b) Indy is paying entirely too much attention to both the lemonade girl and the second-best player in the tournament, and (c) said second-best player's caddy, while much more competent than Indy, is clearly nervous about something entirely unconnected to the competition.

So Artie asks a couple of pointed questions of Elisa, who is briefly very disconcerted...and then has a light-bulb moment, because it's late enough in Gargoyles continuity that she's read various obscure Illuminati (and NYPD) casefiles, and actually recognizes Artie from certain references therein.  So she explains that the caddy she and Indy are following is carrying a key secondary McGuffin that they need in order to find the main McGuffin (carefully avoiding the time-travel and magic-works subplots).  Artie, who is never unprepared even this late into retirement, cheerfully slips Elisa a couple of exploding golf balls and wishes them luck.  Several explosions and another brawl later, Elisa and Indy flee the scene with the secondary McGuffin in hand and the Evil Caddy in pursuit, while Artie smiles to himself and thinks of old times.



To Jack Sparrow, Martha, and Sarah Jane: better luck next time.  (Meanwhile, I encourage the gallery to go over and pester twilight2000 with some more questions as she takes her turn at the meme.)

Comments

[ozma914]

Excellent ideas!

[astrogirl2.livejournal.com]

I am pleased that the answers to mine turned out hilarious. You'd have to be pretty unflappable to deal with being chained to Luna Lovegood, and that birthday party is just awesome. :)

[graycardinal]

I was actually about halfway into the answer when it occurred to me that (barring magic, anyhow) Artie could in fact pick the lock on just about any set of shackles you could find in 1870-something in thirty seconds flat. Or less. [Besides being unflappable, Artemus Gordon is also a master of disguise and the Wild Wild West version of James Bond's Q.] So if he was still shackled to Luna after the first hour or so, it was entirely voluntary....

As for the birthday party, as soon as I figured out that Alfred hadn't invited Carmen deliberately, everything else made sense. (I won't say that he'd never have invited her -- depending on which way you stretch the respective canons, there'd be ways to explain it -- but in that group? Not likely.) Also, it's entirely possible that Emily and Alfred might have been an Item at some point, although in canon she ends up married to someone else.)

[astrogirl2.livejournal.com]

Good point! Although I suppose, this being Luna, they might have been magic shackles. :)

[twilight2000.livejournal.com]

Which i might *still* give Artie a 90% chance to pick successfully ;>

[twilight2000.livejournal.com]

Love the Bar scene - I'm still working over the ones you gave me (damn I made it HARD for myself!) - oh, and thanks for the boost :>

As for 10, 12, & 14 - how about a classic (assuming I know not who they are): 10 walks in on 12 holding a broken rum bottle over 14's unconscious body. What's the explanation and how does 12 get out of this pickle?